Bullet Time
by Brandywine421
Summary: Very strong language, violence story is immediately following the episode UPDATED 9.9.03
1.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything related to the O.C. except maybe Ryan's history that I'm making up as I go along. 

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This takes place immediately following the events in "The Outsider" (episode on 9.2.03) where Ryan and Seth have to go home after the hospital to face the Cohens.

Seth unlocks the door and leads Ryan inside the house. "They're still up," Seth whispers. Ryan nods.

"Seth? Is Ryan with you?" Sandy calls from the den.

"Yeah, um, we're going to bed!" Seth calls back.

"Come say hello first," Kirsten yells.

Ryan whispers, "Let's go. She's going to hear about it anyway."

"Volunteer nothing, isn't that your motto?" Seth says.

"Where have you guys been?" Sandy asks.

"Out," Seth answers.

"What happened?" Kirsten asks suddenly.

"Nothing unusual," Seth replies.

"Well, then whose blood is all over Ryan's brand new shirt?" Kirsten asks, concerned.

"Are you hurt?" Sandy questions, his gaze flickering to each teenager.

"No, Luke," Ryan states.

Sandy and Kirsten glance at each other. "Ryan did you…"

"Ryan didn't do it. He had nothing to do with it…" Seth starts, pausing. "Well, that's not entirely true…"

"What? Seth, I tried to stop that kid…" Ryan gasps, paling a shade.

"Ryan, that's not what I meant…" Seth recants.

Ryan's face turns blank suddenly and the change startles Sandy and Kirsten. His eyes flash cold when he turns to them. "This kid I met at work showed up at Holly's party and he had a gun…" Kirsten gasps. "He pulled it on Luke and shot him in the shoulder. We've been at the hospital."

"Is he okay?" Sandy asks.

"Yeah," Ryan says, ignoring Seth's steady gaze.

"But…" Seth begins.

"That's it," Ryan interrupts.

"He had a gun?" Kirsten repeats.

"Nobody knew until he flipped," Ryan says.

"Well, how'd you get blood on you?" Kirsten questions.

"He was bleeding and no one was doing anything."

"How did you know what to do?" Sandy asks, quietly.

Ryan hesitates. Even Seth is watching his reaction. "He's not the first person I've seen get shot."

"What?" Kirsten gasps.

"I know first aid," Ryan sighs. He runs a hand through his hair. "So, I know I'm in trouble but I hope that I can stay the night because I'm really tired."

"Mom, Dad, it's…" Seth begins again.

"Seth, stop. Just relax," Ryan mutters under his breath.

"We'll talk about this in the morning," Sandy says, watching the two teenagers, suspiciously.

Seth follows Ryan to the door. "Ryan, wait…"

"No. I'm tired," Ryan sighs, not turning around. Seth grabs his arm and Ryan jerks away, spinning around defensively and holding up his hands to warn Seth off. "What?"

"What was up in there? This wasn't your fault so why are you taking the blame?" Seth demands.

"There's no blame here. All I know is that you thinking this is my fault, well that's worse than any punishment they can give me…"

"Ryan, I didn't mean that it was your fault, I just meant that you were there, you knocked Donnie down and that's when the gun went off…" Seth starts.

"I'm not built like you, Seth. I couldn't just stand there. I had to do something…" Ryan says, his voice strained.

"You went for his gun, Ryan, you could have been shot…" Seth replies.

"You say it like it matters, Seth. Good night." Ryan leaves, slamming the door.

Sandy enters. "You want to tell me what that was all about?"

"What?" Seth asks, frustrated.

"That little scene in there. Usually Ryan's the silent one but tonight, he's confessing and you're not saying anything. And there seems to be some tension between you guys. You want to tell me about it?"

"No." Seth walks away from his father and goes to his room.

Ryan waits until all the lights are off in the main house. He's packed all the clothes that Kirsten didn't buy for him and he tiptoes down the driveway. Sandy clears his throat from the edge of the street.

"Where are you going?" Sandy asks.

"Nowhere, I guess," Ryan sighs.

"You haven't done anything wrong, Ryan. We'll talk about it tomorrow. Just wait, Okay?"

"Okay," Ryan agrees.

"What's going on?" Seth walks outside, yawning.

"Nothing," Sandy says, pulling Seth back inside as Ryan continues around the house to the pool house.

"Dad, was Ryan…" Seth starts to ask, panic spreading on his face.

"He was taking a walk. He'll be here in the morning."


	2. 

Ryan doesn't sleep. He doesn't undress. He sits in the darkened pool house thinking about the night's events. He had a great time with Marissa, and until the phone call from Seth, the night was almost perfect. Ryan thought he was doing the right thing. He remembers the last time he was in a situation when a gun was involved. He glances down at his abdomen at the scar. No one jumped the shooter that day, several people attempted to calm the guy but in the end, he snapped and starting taking shots at everyone in the room. Two people died and Ryan made it out with a bullet in the side. He doesn't regret jumping Donnie and wrestling for the gun. If he hadn't, things could have gotten out of hand. Things were out of hand anyway. When he walked in, he didn't know what was going on except he could sense Seth's panic, Luke's anger and Donnie's dangerous anxiety. 

Ryan clenches his fists, trying to release some of the building tension in his body. He'd go for a walk, but Mr. Cohen might think that he is running off again. 

He tried to run away. He doesn't want to disappoint the Cohens, but it seems like he already has. Seth, the one Cohen that he thought would understand his need to diffuse the situation, seems to partially blame him. He knows that once Marissa talks to Luke, she will probably blame him, too. 

Ryan takes a deep breath. He clears his mind of all that and reminds himself that he has no control over what the Cohens think. He knows that he did what he had to do. He swore when he held his friend's dying body, that he wouldn't let anybody pull a gun on him again, no matter what the consequences.

He puts his head in his hands. He doesn't want to remember, but he has to. He has to remind himself why he acted the way he did tonight. 

_Ryan was only thirteen years old and he was hanging out at Trey's friend's house in Chino. The house was a dump, basically a crack house without the crack. There were kids aging from eight to twenty, skipping school and getting high. Trey hung out there because it was a safe place to sell the drugs that provided him with income that he wasn't getting from his mother. Ryan was there to hang out with Trey and avoid the damaging hands of his mother's latest boyfriend. Ryan's close friend, Art, was with him. They were in the corner, sitting on milk crates and studying a comic book that Art had stolen earlier. _

Ryan barely glanced up when the teenager stormed in with the gun. He was used to seeing weapons and considering his brother's occupation, they were often needed to ensure payment.

"Where's Terry?" The teenager had demanded. "Where the fuck is Terry?" 

"Haven't seen him," A random guy had responded after a beat. 

"Fucking 'A!" The teen yelled. He fired his gun and blasted a hole in the ceiling.

"Whoa, what the fuck is your problem? There are kids in here!" Trey had yelled. Ryan and Art froze in their spots, a couple of the younger kids made their way to their side. Ryan and Art had a reputation among the younger kids as protectors. Ryan had gently pushed a couple of the kids behind him, making sure that they were low to the ground.

"I want my goddamn money. Now somebody tell me where the fuck Terry is!" The kid yelled.

"Just chill, man," Another kid started. "Terry hasn't been here in a few days, nobody's seen him, man…"

"Don't talk to you like you know me! You don't know me!" The boy screamed. Ryan recognized the crazed look in his eye and gave Art a worried look. 

"Dude, just chill out, we can see if somebody can find him for you," The same guy said, calm.

"No, fuck you!" The first shot was fired directly at the boy who had been trying to calm him down. The blood started to gush immediately from the gaping hole in his chest. Before anyone had a chance to react, the guy had fired four more shots.

"Shit," Art had whispered. Ryan glanced at him and saw blood already puddling around his friend's feet. The bullet had hit Art in the neck and blood was spurting out, dousing the younger kids that were huddled behind them.

Ryan immediately clenched his hands over the wound, but he knew that his friend was going to die. The blood was rushing through his fingers, covering them both. Ryan had barely registered the pain in his own body, the shock was too much for him to handle. Art was dying and the pain was spreading to Ryan.

The shooter was out of bullets and someone had knocked him down and the uninjured kids were attacking him. 

"Hold on, Art, just hold on…" Ryan had murmured, watching the boy's eyes glaze over. Their blood mingled in the floor and the coppery smell almost overwhelmed him. 

Art coughs and blood started to come from his mouth as Ryan realized that every time Art's heart beat, blood would gush from his neck. 

"Ryan, come on, we have to get the fuck out of here," Trey appeared by his side, suddenly.

"No. I'm not leaving him."

"Ry, bring your ass on, there's nothing you can do for him," Trey had insisted, pulling at his arm.

"Fuck you, Trey, get the fuck away!" Ryan snapped. "I'm not leaving him. Get out of here!" 

Trey hadn't needed convincing, he bolted with his product and money. Trey didn't even notice his brother's wound. The shooter was unconscious when the police arrived and Ryan had remained with his dead friend until the police pulled him away. With all the blood from Art's gunshot, no one realized that Ryan was hurt until the police stood him up only to have him crumple to the ground from loss of blood. 

Ryan hadn't closed Art's eyes and he has never forgotten the dull, glazed expression on his dead face.

Ryan glances up for a moment and sees that it's sunrise. He hasn't slept at all, lost in his memories. He decides that since he's already in trouble, he can afford to take a walk. He grabs his cigarettes and steps outside.

"Ryan?" Seth calls.

"Hey."

"Where are you going?"

Ryan holds up his cigarettes in reply.

"You're smoking again? Did you get any sleep, Ryan?" Seth asks.

Ryan simply shrugs, walking away from him. 

"Ryan, wait. Please."

"I'm not mad at you, Seth. Really. I've just got some stuff on my mind," Ryan says, turning around for a moment before continuing his walk. 

"I'm going to tell Mom and Dad what happened…" Seth starts.

"Whatever. I'll be back in a little while, Seth," Ryan says, still walking away.

"Ryan…"

"I'll be back later, Seth. This isn't an emergency, I just need to get some air."


	3. 

Seth returns to the house and sits down in the kitchen to make breakfast.

"Was that Ryan I saw walking down the road toward the beach?" Kirsten asks, appearing in the kitchen.

"Yeah. He said he needed to get some air," Seth replies.

Sandy enters, hearing his son's words. "What? Where was he going?"

"To get some air. He's pissed at me," Seth states, quietly. "He says he's not, but he is."

"You want to tell us why?" Sandy asks, carefully.

"What Ryan said last night was completely true. Donnie works with Ryan at the Crab Shack. But what he didn't say is that Ryan didn't invite him to Holly's, I did. Ryan was at home, he didn't even come to the party until I called him. Ryan warned my about Donnie, said he was a rough dude, but I…I didn't listen to him, I thought he was being overprotective," Seth admits.

Kirsten is flushed. "Why'd you call Ryan, Seth?"  
"Donnie pulled up his shirt and showed me the gun. I freaked, I called Ryan to come and get me. When Ryan walked in, Donnie and Luke were fighting already and Donnie pulled the gun out. He was waving it around and Ryan, he tried to talk to him, but…Donnie was just nuts. Ryan rushed him, trying to get the gun away from him and it went off," Seth finishes.

"You said Ryan rushed him? He…he just went after a kid with a gun?" Sandy asks, quietly. 

"Everyone was just standing around and Donnie wasn't listening to anything…Ryan said that he had to do something. I mean, if he hadn't went after Donnie, maybe Luke wouldn't have gotten shot, but…maybe other people would have been hurt, too. I don't know." Seth sighs. "Ryan was only there because I called him. It's my fault that Donnie was even at the party. I…I'm sorry."

Kirsten gives her son a hug, which he surprisingly returns.

There is a tentative knock on the door. The Cohens turn around and see Marissa waving, timidly from the other side. Seth opens the door.

"Hey."

"Hey. I just got back from the hospital. Is Ryan around?" She asks.

Seth steps outside with her, closing the door on his parents.

"He took a walk. How's Luke?"

"He's okay, his folks took him home. Luke said…he said Ryan took care of him. What the hell happened last night, Seth?" Marissa asks, concerned.

"This kid, Donnie, that worked at the Crab Shack, I invited him to the party and he lost it. He pulled a gun and started threatening Luke and Ryan intervened," Seth explains.

"Ryan intervened? What exactly does that mean?" Marissa asks.

"He went after Donnie, trying to get the gun," Seth replies.

"Oh my god. Luke said that Ryan was trying to be a hero, but I didn't…where is he?" Marissa asks.

"He's pissed at me."

"Damn, Seth, I wonder why. Is that the same kid whose party you dragged Ryan to the night before? I'm sorry," Marissa apologizes, seeing the guilty look on his face. "But, Seth, you have to remember something. If you get into trouble, your folks will ground you or take away your playstation or something. If Ryan gets into trouble, he gets sent away. You realize that, right? He told me…he can't get into any trouble, Seth."

Seth nods, guiltily. "I know. It was a mistake. I'll apologize to him when he comes back, but he…this morning when I came down, well…he looked like somebody died or something."

"Where do you think he went?"

"I don't know. He said he was going out for a smoke, and that he'd be back."

Sandy and Kirsten glance at each other, watching Marissa and Seth's exchange.

"So. This changes things, a little, right? I mean, at least Seth was smart enough to call for a ride when he realized that the kid had a gun…" Sandy starts, thinking aloud.

"Ryan must have been here. With Marissa. I called Luke's parents this morning to see how he was and they said that Ryan called Marissa from the hospital and she's been there all night." Kirsten pauses. "Ryan was trying to do the right thing and protect Seth." She meets her husband's worried gaze. "But why the hell would he get in the way of a guy with a gun?"

"I don't know, Kirsten. Did you see his face last night when he said that this wasn't the first time he'd seen someone shot? I mean, I grew up poor but I've never seen anyone shot in real life," Sandy replies.

"What should we do? Punish Seth for making a bad judgement call? Punish Ryan for trying to keep people alive?" Kirsten asks, looking to Sandy for input.

"He tried to run off last night, I caught him in the driveway." Sandy sighs. "I'm going to take a walk and see if I can find Ryan…" 

"You might want to wait on that. There he is," Kirsten nods out the window.

Ryan walks up, surprised to see Marissa on the patio. "Hey."

"Hey." She says, turning and punching him in the shoulder.

"Ow. What was that for?" Ryan asks, confused.

"What the hell did you think you were doing last night?" Marissa accuses, angrily. "You could have been killed! Why didn't you call the police and let them handle it?"

Ryan's face shows no emotion, but his eyes dull slightly. "Thanks, Marissa. That's really what I needed to hear." He walks past them toward the house.

"Ryan, wait…" Marissa gasps, not expecting his answer. Ryan doesn't stop walking. He goes into the house.

"I told you something was up with him," Seth says to Marissa.

Ryan sits down at the counter, not speaking to the Cohens who are watching him, concerned. "Okay. What's the verdict?" He asks, quietly.

"Seth told us what happened, Ryan. What really happened. Do you want to tell us, now?" Sandy asks, cautiously to try and get the teenager to talk to them.

"I thought you said that he just told you," Ryan replies. "Whatever he said is what happened."

"So you did try and get the gun away from the other kid," Sandy states.

Ryan nods. "Yes, sir."

"Why? Why would you do that?" Kirsten asks, concerned.

"He was going to shoot the place up. You could see it in his eyes…" Ryan's eyes lose focus for a moment. "I…I had to stop him. I couldn't…I couldn't let it happen again." His eyes clear and he seems to realize what he has said.

"Let what happen again, Ryan?" Kirsten asks, softly.

Ryan stands up, not meeting either adult's gaze. He pulls his shirt up slightly to reveal the small circular scar on his stomach. "I got this when I was thirteen. A kid walked in and started shooting. He killed my best friend. I held my hands over his neck while all the blood in his body drained out through my fingers. So I'm sorry that I scared Seth. I'm sorry that I was impulsive and tried to take action but I won't stand by and let that happen again." His gaze is steady as he glances up. 

"Ryan, I had no idea…" Sandy gasps, pale.

"It's nothing. It was a long time ago. I tried to talk to Donnie, but it wasn't working…" Ryan starts.

"But Ryan, you could have been killed," Kirsten interrupts.

"Everybody in that house could have been killed. No one else was doing anything. When Luke was on the floor bleeding, no one was doing anything. It was like everything stopped when the gun came out. Those kids didn't know what the hell to do. Somebody had to do something," Ryan says, his face blank.

"Okay, Ryan. At least now, we understand a little better."

"Should I pack my things?" Ryan asks, quietly.

"No, Ryan," Kirsten scolds. "You didn't do anything wrong. Except for trying to run away last night. You have to learn to talk to us before you do things like that," She adds.

"Sorry."

Marissa and Seth are still outside, still stunned by Ryan's appearance.

"That was so weird, Seth. Something must really be bothering him…" Marissa realizes.

"Last night, I think…my dad stopped him from running away again. Dad didn't tell me that was what was going on, but I'm not blind," Seth says, quietly. 

"Why would he do that?"

"Last night, Mom and Dad found out what happened because Ryan had blood on his clothes and Ryan told them what happened…but he didn't tell them everything, he just told them enough to make it seem like his fault. I guess he thought that they would kick him out…and I said some things to him…sort of like what you just said and he…it was like he shut down," Seth explains. "There's something more going on with him than we know about."

Back in the house, Sandy glances at Kirsten with a worried glance. "Ryan, are you okay? You seem really upset…"

"I don't like guns. They bother me. Last night bothers me. It just brought up a lot of old memories," Ryan admits, quietly.

"So you were shot when you were thirteen?" Kirsten asks, quietly.

"The first time, yeah. I got tagged accidentally in a drive-by when I was fifteen. Another flesh wound in my leg," Ryan replies, looking down. 

"Ryan…" Kirsten gasps.

"It was a long time ago, guys. A very long time ago. But I owed you guys an explanation and now you have one," Ryan sighs. 

"Ryan, I'm glad you told us. None of that information was in your records…" Sandy states quietly. 

"There's a lot of stuff that's not in my records," Ryan replies, deadpan. "There's a lot of stuff I'm not proud of. I'm just sorry that Seth had to see that. I'm sorry any of those kids had to see that. And I appreciate your leniency."

"You didn't do anything wrong, Ryan. Why don't you go out and talk to Seth and Marissa? It looks like they're worried about you," Sandy says, finally.

"You want some breakfast?" Kirsten asks.

"No thanks, I'm not hungry. I'll get something later. Thanks." Ryan turns and steps outside, aware of Kirsten and Sandy's eyes on him.

"Ryan?" Seth calls, seeing his solemn face. "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah. Okay. It's okay," Ryan replies, thoughtful.

"Are _you_ okay?" Seth asks.

"Yeah. What's with the looks? Marissa?" Ryan asks, glancing from Seth to Marissa.

"Something's up with you. You're off," She states.

"I'm off? Like to see the wizard?" Ryan retorts coldly. He starts to walk away.

"Ryan, no dude. Stop," Seth calls, upset.

Ryan stops. He puts a hand to his head and turns around, his face flickering with emotion for a moment. "I'm sorry. I'm all fucked up." He puts his hands out as if surrendering. "So I'm sorry. I'm just not making any sense today."

Kirsten steps outside, sensing the tension. "Seth. Ryan's tired…" She starts.

"Mom, what's going on?"

"Ryan will tell you everything, honey, I'm sure, but he's tired. Tell your parents I said hello, Marissa," Kirsten says, leading Seth inside.

Marissa ignores Kirsten's obvious intention for her to go home and goes to the pool house, letting herself inside.

"Marissa, go home." Ryan's voice is weak and distant.

"No, Ryan. Talk to me. Please. Where are you?" She walks around the room until she finds Ryan in a shaded corned, sitting on the floor beside his bed.

"You want to sit?" Ryan asks. She hesitates and he shrugs, retracting the invitation for her to join him in the floor. 

Marissa sits down on the bed and looks down on him. He is in the shadows but she can sense something on his face. Anguish. 

"There's too many windows here."

"What?" Marissa asks, confused.

"It's like everything is on display here. You have to look clean and perfect because you never know who is looking in your windows," He mutters.

"So you hide in the dark where no one can see you?" Marissa asks.

"The dark is comforting. I'm tainted already," Ryan states.

Marissa is chilled by his tone. "Ryan…"

"I'm just really tired. I didn't get any sleep," Ryan says, after a pause. "Sorry. I know you were up all night with Luke. How is he?"

"He's home."

"Good."

"So what's up, Ryan?" Marissa puts a hand on his shoulder and he flinches, shrinking from her touch. "Ryan?"

"I'm tired, Marissa. If I think anymore I think I might shut down completely." He leans his head against the wall.

"Ryan…"

"Just go, Marissa…" He covers his face and doesn't look up again.

"I'll be back for you," Marissa promises, leaving.

Inside the house, Ryan senses something about his parents' silence. "What is going on?"

"Nothing, Seth," Sandy answers immediately.

"Ryan. Is he staying?"

"Yeah, he's not in trouble," Sandy replies.

"Then why is he so upset?" Seth questions.

"Upset?" Sandy asks.

"Yeah," Seth replies, honestly.

"He's tired, Seth. He's got a lot of things on his mind…" Sandy starts.

"And it's not our story to tell, Seth. Just give him some time. Okay?" Kirsten interrupts.

"Okay. I'll give him until lunchtime," Seth sighs. "But he's okay?"

"Yeah," Sandy says after a long beat. 


	4. 

Ryan is sleeping. Once Marissa had left, he had climbed into bed and drifted into a tormented sleep. He sees Art's face, his dead eyes staring at him. He doesn't rest, he just dreams.

****

*FLASH*

_Dawn, Ryan's mother stands over him. "You always were weak, you can't take the pressure…you're nothing to me…you're nothing to anyone…you should have taken that bullet in the neck, saved me all this money on these damn hospital bills…"_

****

*FLASH*

_Ryan is in Holly's house and he's holding Seth's bleeding neck. "Seth, please, just hang on…" Seth morphs into Art, then into Luke, and finally into Marissa. "Please…no…"_

****

*FLASH*

_Trey punches him in the face. "What the hell were you doing there, anyway? You got me in trouble, you little punk…you can't do anything right…that's why your fucking friend's dead…" Trey punches him harder with every phrase._

****

*FLASH*

_"What the hell did you think you were doing?" Marissa's face is accusatory as she demands an answer. "Why are you even here? You only mess things up, you can't do anything right!"_

****

*FLASH*

_"You could have been shot!" Seth says._

"You say it like it matters," Ryan replies.

"You're right. The only thing that went wrong last night was that it was Luke that took the bullet instead of you. It should have been you…" Seth hisses.

****

*FLASH*

"Ryan. Ryan. RYAN!" 

Ryan feels someone shaking him and he sits up, soaked with sweat. "What?"

"Damn, dude, you were seriously freaking out…you okay?" Seth is standing over him, his face tight with panic.

"Bad dream…what's up?" Ryan asks, trying to compose himself, but he is clearly shaken by the nightmares.

"I wondered if we could talk…" Seth says, quietly.

"Look, Seth, I'm sorry I'm being so weird…the other night just brought back a lot of memories…things I haven't thought about in a long time…" Ryan rubs his eyes, trying to block out the visions from his dreams. "Things I don't let myself think about…"

"You want to talk about it?" Seth asks, timidly.

"Not really, but I don't think you're going to just let it go, are you?" Ryan hesitates. 

"Maybe talking about it will help you out. If you put it into words, then at least it's not bouncing around in your head…" Seth states.

"Yeah, or putting it into words makes it real. I told your parents that I don't like guns. I never have," Ryan sighs. He runs a hand through his hair, standing up and starting to pace. 

"I don't like them either…" Seth starts.

"But have you ever been around them?" Ryan interrupts, his voice uneven. "I have. A lot. Trey, he always had them around, my dad, too before he went to prison and my mom's boyfriends…I can't even tell you how many times I've had a gun in my face, Seth…it makes me sick…" 

Seth is pale with Ryan's obviously painful confession. 

"I…when I was thirteen, some shit went down and my friend got shot in the neck. I held him while he died, Seth…I felt him die…" Ryan's eyes are glazed. "There's nothing…nothing like watching someone's life just…disappear…"

"Ryan…shit, man…" Seth doesn't know what to say.

"I'm glad you called me last night, man…If something had happened to you and I hadn't been there…shit…" His eyes clear. "You…these kids here…you guys shouldn't have to see shit like this, Seth…Damn, Luke looked like he'd never seen a gun before…"

"I'm sorry, Ryan…" Seth starts.

"It's not your fault, it's that punkass Donnie's fault. But after…after my friend…I promised myself that I'd never stand by and do nothing again…people get hurt…" Ryan sighs, still pacing. 

"What about you, though? What if you had been hurt, Ryan? Do you care?"

Ryan glances at Seth, walking until he's standing in front of him. "Seth, it doesn't really matter. I've taken two bullets before, in my leg and in my side…it's just pain, it's just blood…"

"Your pain, your blood, your life, Ryan, don't you care?"

Ryan's eyes flash and Seth gasps. 

"Seth, what do I have to lose? You have great parents, a family…if somebody's got to take the fall…"

"Shut up!" Marissa surprises both boys, walking into the pool house and catching Ryan's words. 


	5. 5

"What the hell, Marissa?" Seth asks, startled by her outburst.

"What are you talking about? Because you don't want to know what I'm thinking…" Marissa replies, flushed. She closes the door behind her. 

"I'm going to get a shower. I'm still wearing my clothes from yesterday." Ryan's face shows no emotion, all the earlier anxiety and emotion is gone from his expression. He disappears into the bathroom before they can protest.

"Damn, Marissa…Damn…" Seth sits down, still pale from Ryan's confessions.

"What? What were you guys talking about?" Marissa asks.

"It…I can't believe I'm saying this but…you have to ask him. I mean, I knew he was from the bad part of town, but I had no idea…" Seth loses his voice. 

"Seth Cohen, you better tell me…"

Ryan walks back into the room, gathering some clothes. "You can tell her, Seth. I don't really feel like talking about it anymore." He leaves, his attitude still radiating indifference.

"Seth…"

"Did you know that Ryan's been shot before?" Seth asks, quietly. Marissa gasps, shaking her head, negatively. "And one of his friends died…when he was thirteen…he really doesn't like guns…" Seth stops talking, seeing Marissa's stricken expression.

"So if he's been shot before…why would he put himself in the line of fire like that?" Marissa asks, quietly.

"He said that he couldn't just stand by and do nothing…" Seth finally shrugs.

"That's what I did last time," Ryan states, walking back into the room with wet hair. He is shirtless and he goes to stand in front of them at the couch with his t-shirt in his hand. "It was pretty much the same situation, a bunch of kids sitting around and one guy pulls out a gun." He points at the scar on his stomach, his eyes glazing for a moment. He pulls on his shirt. "A couple of people tried to talk him out of it but he snapped and started taking people out…" 

Marissa takes the hem of his shirt and pulls it up, touching the scar lightly with her fingertips. He doesn't flinch from her touch this time. After a few seconds, he takes her hand and gently steps back. 

"I didn't even know I'd been shot, I was too busy with my friend…His name was Art." Ryan steps away from them. "If someone had tackled that fucker, maybe we could have gotten out of there without as many casualties."

"I'm sorry, Ryan," Seth says, breaking the silence.

"It's alright…"

"No it isn't, obviously. This is tearing you up," Marissa comments.

Ryan hesitates. "I just don't like to think about it. It was a long time ago…" 

"You said you had been shot twice. What was the second time?" Seth asks, suddenly.

"Drive-by. Wasn't intended for me, but I happened to be walking by, picking up something for my brother and I got caught in the crossfire. I got tagged in the thigh, but it missed the bone and shit so I don't limp or anything." He turns away from them, trying not to see the look of pity on their faces. "God, I really need a drink…"

"A drink? Ryan, are you sure…" Seth stammers, startled.

"Of course he's sure. Have you ever heard him ask before?" Marissa remarks, giving Seth a glare. 

"Guys…" Ryan starts.

"Let's take a drive. Come on. We need to get away from here for a while…" Marissa says, standing up.

"Where are we going?" Seth asks. 

"Out. We'll be back by dinnertime. You need your parents' permission, Cohen?" Marissa asks, dryly.

"Let's go, Ryan. Come on…" Seth remarks, leading Ryan from the pool house. 


	6. 6

A few hours later, Seth, Ryan and Marissa are sitting on a blanket on a deserted beach. An unfinished fifth of vodka sits in the center of the blanket. 

"Well, this was a great idea," Seth says, looking pale and sick. 

"Well I didn't know you were a lightweight. You've been throwing up since your third shot and Ryan and I are…"

"Beyond counting," Ryan finishes with a lazy smile. Seth gives them both the finger and rolls over onto his stomach. They hear him snoring softly.

"That kid could fall asleep in the middle of an earthquake," Ryan mutters with a faint smile.

"He's worried about you. So am I," Marissa says, turning the bottle up again and passing it to him. Ryan takes a generous swallow. 

"I feel better now. I mean…I put on this strong front but every once and a while…I think about the fact that I'm only sixteen years old. I'm only sixteen, Marissa, and I've been shot twice and threatened god knows how many times. I…sometimes I feel so old…" Ryan glances up, meeting her eyes for a second. "You seem to know what I'm talking about."

"Yeah, a little. I mean, we can both drink this vodka like water. My parents can't do that."

Ryan smirks. "So you can tell your mental age by your alcohol tolerance?"

"Sure, what do you think that says about Seth?" Marissa grins, giggling.

"Maybe he just knows better than to drown his problems in alcohol…" Ryan replies, quietly. He takes another swallow of the vodka.

"How long have you been drinking, Ryan?" Marissa asks, suddenly.

"Since I could taste, probably. My mom used to make Trey and I screwdrivers to help us sleep," Ryan answers honestly. "You?"

"Since I was, like, twelve. Summer and I broke into my dad's mini-bar at a sleepover one night and we've been drinking since," Marissa replies.

"So you and Summer have been drinking buds for a while?"

"Yeah. We've known each other forever…I don't know if we're buds anymore but we still drink together. She's…shallow. I guess, I'm shallow, too, but I'm actually trying to change. I mean, there are more important things in life than money, looks and popularity…" Marissa catches Ryan looking at her. "What?"

"Nothing. How's Luke, Marissa?" Ryan asks, his face emotionless.

"He's…rich, handsome and popular, that's what you're getting at, right?" Marissa remarks.

"You can't change overnight, Marissa. I'm glad you're my friend. That's enough for me right now. I haven't…I haven't let myself have friends in a long time," Ryan admits, surprising Marissa. His blue eyes are dull with alcohol as are her own.

"Why not?"

"Friends…I've got a lot of baggage. It's not like I could ever invite anyone over to my house, my mom was too fucked up for that…I usually stuck close to Trey. The more friends you make, the more people know about your issues…" Ryan says, slowly.

"My friends…they don't know anything about me…" Marissa admits. "Not really. I mean…some of them I've known forever, like Summer, but they…"

"They don't know you. I don't know you, Marissa, but I know…you're a good person. You have a lot of pain inside, I think that's why I'm drawn to you. It's like we're kindred spirits…" Ryan starts.

"That has to be the worst line I think I've ever heard…and I'm going to be sick…" Seth sits up suddenly and scrambles away.

"It wasn't that bad, was it?" Ryan jokes. Marissa impulsively kisses him while Seth retches nearby.

"Me, too. It's nice to have a friend. A real one."

"Yeah. It's even nicer to have two," Ryan replies, glancing at Seth. 

*****

Ryan tries to blink the alcohol from his eyes as he crouches in the sand beside Marissa. She had started vomiting a few minutes before and he had automatically went to her aid, holding her hair back. He is rubbing her back, comforting her as she empties her stomach of her breakfast.

"Damn, we're busted," Seth announces, waking up nearby. 

"What?" Ryan slurs.

"It's unbelievably late, Ryan. We missed dinner…shit…" Seth puts a hand to his head.

"You think your parents will…" Ryan starts.

"Be pissed? Yeah. Definitely. We really need to get back…" Seth says, standing up. "What are you doing?"

"Thanks, Ryan," Marissa smiles, still slightly green. "Seth, do you think you can drive? I'm a little wasted…"

"You guys finished the bottle? Damn!" Seth realizes, holding up the empty bottle.

"Well, we've been here all day," Marissa replies.

Seth watches, amused as Ryan puts an arm around Marissa and they stagger to his side. He holds out his hand and Marissa rummages through her pockets and purse for the keys to her vehicle. 

"I can't find them," She admits, finally. She starts for the truck, but falters and Ryan catches her before they both fall to the sand, too unstable to stand. They laugh.

Seth goes to the SUV and sees the keys in the ignition and all the doors locked. "Hey guys!" 

Ryan and Marissa have recovered enough to stand up and after a few staggering steps, are beside Seth. 

"There's your keys," Seth points.

"Aren't you guys glad that I have experience breaking into cars?" Ryan asks, depositing the unsteady Marissa on the bumper of the SUV. 

"Well, work your magic…" Marissa grins.

"Hmm…actually, we'd usually break the window…" Ryan ponders, peering through the window. "Do you have a clothes hanger?"

"There's one in the backseat," Marissa replies. "Oh. Never mind."

Ryan collapses in laughter. Seth is running his hand underneath the SUV. He pulls out a small rectangular box. 

"Spare key. Let's go, kids," Seth announces, happily.

"Yay for Seth! Good job!" Marissa cheers, standing up. Her knees buckle and before Ryan can reach her, she has toppled onto the ground again. "Ow…"

"You okay?" Ryan slurs, helping her into the truck.

"Yeah…I'm fine…" She replies before promptly passing out. Ryan slides into the backseat with her, cradling her head on his lap as Seth starts the SUV.

"Should we call your folks?" Ryan asks.

"Not with that slur, Ryan. You're going to sneak in the back and I'm going to tell them that you're sick…" Seth replies. "You're drunk."

"Yep," Ryan smiles. "I haven't been drunk in a long time."

"Really?"

"Really…I hate drinking…but I have to sometimes…relieve stress…" Ryan mutters, falling asleep.

"And you said I fall asleep fast," Seth mutters, speeding up to try and get home.

Ryan wakes up later in Marissa's driveway with Seth shaking him. "We're home."

"That was fast," Ryan remarks, stepping out and falling to the ground.

"You're still drunk, though," Seth grins. 

"But I'm less drunk than…an hour ago when I passed out," Ryan replies. He shakes Marissa who doesn't respond. 

"You can't leave her out here," Seth says.

"I'll put her in the pool house…" Ryan gently lifts her thin frame into his arms and takes her, unsteadily to the pool house.

"I'll cover for you and be down in a few minutes to tell you the verdict," Seth says, leaving Ryan in the pool house.

Ryan lays Marissa on his bed and covers her with a blanket. He sits down on the couch. He has friends. He knows that drinking is not the way to solve his problems but he needed something to loosen him up today. He felt like he was going to explode and now, after half a fifth of vodka and a day in the sun, he feels like things might be coming together. Bad luck seems to follow him, but now, at least, it seems more tolerable. He can get through this. 


End file.
